Stay-at-Home Mom Blues

Most days in the Perry Household go pretty smoothly.  Then there are days like today....today I am writing this very blog post twice.  Why? Because my two year old figured out how to unsave 8 paragraphs of thoughtful writing.  Days like today make me wish with all my might that I had a quiet office where I could retreat from my stay-at-home mom life.  A place where I had complete control over my work. A place where productivity wasn't based on the whim of a two small children. A place where lunch breaks were real.  A place where tangible evidence of a job well done actually existed.  A place where restroom breaks meant complete alone time. 

I didn't fully comprehend the impact of my decision to stay home with my children.  I am career driven, I rely on external reward, not necessarily from another person, but from completing tasks and seeing the immediate benefits of my hard work. Full time motherhood does not afford that opportunity.  I'm not complaining, per se, just trying to figure out how I got from where I was to where I am.  The grass is not always greener.  I am not sure that I am cut out for this job, not because it isn't challenging, but maybe because it is too challenging.  That's right folks, I am lazy. 

To say that the domestic domain isn't something that comes naturally to me is an understatement.   I have been at home for 13 months now (but really, whose counting, right?) and I just, in the past week, developed a cleaning routine. Wanna know how?  A chore chart.  That's right, a freaking chore chart.  This 29 year old adult needs a chore chart to motivate herself.  BUT, it is working.  I've even found time to do things for myself during the day, like couponing (cue eye rolling), knitting a beautiful baby blanket, and even starting this blog (cue eye rolling once again). 

When I talk with my friends who don't have children, I must seem super boring.  There used to be a time where my most interesting stories involved copious amounts of alcohol, cute boys, and shopping excursions.  Now my stories revolve around whether or not Samantha is pooping or eating. I will say, however, they do still include cute boys, but one is a 2.5 year old and the other is my wonderful husband.  I remember when my biggest decisions were where to meet up with friends for drinks and where we would be indulging in fourth meal.  Now fourth meal is what we lovingly call Samantha's last bottle of the day.  I remember laughing with my best friend until I peed my pants. Nowadays, I pee my pants any time I cough or sneeze.  Ahhh, the joys of motherhood.  Life has definitely changed for this lady.

I guess this lifestyle is all about balance.  I am learning that slowly.  I wish I could have come to this conclusion faster.  My days at home are numbered, so I am resolving to make the best of them while they last.  Our children grow too fast and our selves can be lost too easily.  I'm trying to get back to that place that I used to be before...hilariously funny and unbreakably happy. 

I am thankful that I've had this time at home with my children.  It has taught me a lot about myself.  Self awareness is quite possibly the best tool to carry in your metaphorical tool belt, parent or not.  Knowing your own limitations is the only way to become better at what you do.   I hope 2012 brings me my dream job, but for now, I'm going to be the best I can be at the job I have...being SUPER MOM.  I just wish I could find the super powers and the parenting manual that were supposed to come upon Grant's arrival. Until then, I'll fake it until I make it.